


of silken threads and silver strings

by Mr_Phich



Series: everyone needs a chance to be small [16]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Communicative Methods, Complicated Relationships, Diapers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Learning To Communicate, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Non-Sexual Age Play, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Sign Language, Speech Disorders, Therapy, Wetting, past suicidal tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7670062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Phich/pseuds/Mr_Phich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky doesn't understand everything in his head.<br/>(The one where Bucky and Steve see a therapist.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	of silken threads and silver strings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WhatEvenAmI](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatEvenAmI/gifts).



> WhatEvenAmI, m'dear, thanks for the thoughtful comments, plot bunnies, feels, and support! (To give kudos where they are due, WhatEvenAmI is responsible for pushing me to include therapy in this verse and the idea that Bucky use sign language!)
> 
> Hey folks! So this wasn't the story I was originally going to post this week, but I ultimately decided that story wasn't ready for public consumption so you got this one instead!

_A spider lives inside my head_

_Who weaves a strange and wondrous web_

_Of silken threads and silver strings_

_To catch all sorts of flying things,_

_Like crumbs of thoughts and bits of smiles,_

_And specks of dried up tears,_

_And dust of dreams that catch and cling_

_For years and years and years..._

_-Shel Silverstein_

  
  
Bucky and Steve were lazing on the couch. Clint had left a couple hours ago and Bucky hadn’t felt the need to take a nap (yet), so instead they had sat down to watch HGTV (it was one of the few channels that rarely triggered Bucky and Bucky liked watching people take something old and broken and making it new and shiny again). The TV had switched to a commercial break and Steve muted it, turning to look at Bucky. He had his lips pursed in a nervous sort of way that Bucky vaguely recognized. He sat up.

“So, things have been going really well, I think. I feel like we’re all doing better than we were a couple months ago, don’t you?”

Bucky nodded, a little confused. Steve shifted, ran his hands down his thighs.

“But I think there are things we could do that could make things even easier. I’ve been talking to Sam, since he came to visit, and to Thor some and I think it’s really important that we all start learning better ways to cope.” Bucky frowned, not quite sure what Steve meant by that. Steve ran his hands nervously over his legs. “A lot of really terrible things happened to you, Buck,” Steve said, all soft. Bucky winced a little. “We’ve talked about them some, but I think it could really help for you to have someone who was trained to help you. And - well. A lot of bad things have happened to me too.” Bucky pushed a little closer to Steve. He hated thinking about Steve being alone and hurting. Steve’s gaze was downcast and sad and Bucky didn’t know how to comfort him anymore, didn’t know how to take care of him. In the past he might have jabbed his elbow into Steve’s side and cracked a joke, but he didn’t think that was right. Steve was being serious. Bucky should be serious too. He put his hand on Steve’s leg the way Steve sometimes did when Bucky was talking about hard things. Steve smiled a little. Bucky smiled back. “And I put a lot of those things away for a long time. But if I’m going to help you I think I need a little help too.”

Bucky nodded emphatically. He wanted Steve to have help and Bucky just took so much and he didn’t know how to give any of it back. He was starting to figure it out, now that he was big more, but it wasn’t easy. There were things in his brain that felt broken. Things he knew that he used to be, but that he couldn’t remember how to be. He wanted to be everything for Steve.  

“So I found a doctor who would work with us.” Bucky shrank back a little. He didn’t like doctors, hadn’t been around one since he came to the tower. He knew that Steve talked to doctors on the phone, that he had doctors who decided which medicines he would try and helped Steve figure out everything Hydra had broken in Bucky’s brain. “It’s actually one of the Doctors who helped when you first came back. She’s willing to come here for your appointments and to work with you when you’re little and when you’re big.”

“I dunno Steve,” Bucky mumbled, biting at his lip. “M’not so good at talking.”

“It wouldn’t have to be talking,” Steve said. “She said that you guys can draw and play games.”

“Alone?” Bucky asked softly. He knew it was silly but there was nothing that frightened him more than being away from Steve. He could do it now - with Clint and Thor, but they were familiar and safe. He wouldn’t be able to with the doctor, even thinking about it sent panic itching up his arm. He grabbed a pillow to hug to keep his hand busy. He looked up and found Steve watching him carefully, felt flustered and ashamed.

“Not at first,” Steve assured. “We wouldn’t do that until you were comfortable.”

Bucky nodded slowly. He really didn’t want to, but Steve never asked him to do things, not ever. He didn’t tell Bucky what he needed and now he was and it wasn’t like Bucky could just say no to the one thing Steve was asking of him. It was fuckiing hard though. Really fucking hard.

“I’ll try,” he agreed. Steve brightened and Bucky promised that he really would try his hardest to make it work.

*

The doctor didn’t come for another week, but the day went to hell straight from the get go.

Bucky fell out of bed and started to cry. Steve had soothed him and held him long past when they’d already be eating breakfast on any other day. (It wasn’t really the falling, Bucky knew, but neither he nor Steve said anything about that). Bucky hadn’t been able to get his head big and was feeling really sad-mad-bad when the doctor finally came. He sat on the couch under a blanket, hugging a pillow so he wouldn’t scratch himself, and biting his lip. Daddy had asked about a pacifier, but Bucky didn’t want the doctor to see that. He had wanted to be big. He wanted to help Daddy with what he needed, instead he was being stupid and needy and a big baby. Bucky bit a little harder.

The doctor wasn’t what he’d thought she’d be. She was small - smaller than Natasha even - and had dark skin and hair in fancy braids. Bucky sorta wanted to touch them, but he thought that would be pretty rude. She had a big smile, one that spread all across her face, and she tells them to call her Annie.

“My mama named me Antoinette, hoped maybe I would go to France one day.”

“Did you?” Daddy asked, sitting down next to Bucky. (Annie sat on the armchair, which was good cause Bucky didn’t like people bein’ too close except for Daddy and Clint and sometimes Thor).

She smiled that big smile again. “Yes, yes I did.”

“Your mama must have known something, then,” Daddy said with a big smile. It wasn’t the smile he kept for Clint and Bucky though.

Annie laughed. She had a warm, low laugh, that bubbled out of her chest like she was surprised to be laughing at all.

Daddy grinned and Bucky relaxed a little and pushed a little closer to him. Daddy wrapped an arm around him and held him tight. For a while, they just talked. Bucky had thought she’d ask a lot of questions about _before_ or ask him to do a lot of talking. But for a while she and Daddy just chatted - about art in Paris, and about where she went to school, and about how Daddy had studied art when he was younger (Bucky had forgotten that and felt sad).

“Why don’t you draw now, Daddy?” He asked, feelings bursting right out of his mouth. Daddy looked at him a little surprised, but Annie just smiled at him and looked back at Daddy like she really expected him to answer Bucky’s question

Daddy frowned a little, ran his hand through his hair. Bucky was trying to figure out how to take the question back, but the words weren’t coming, when Daddy finally talked. “I guess - right when I woke up drawing made me feel real sad.”

“Why’s that?” Annie asked when Daddy went all quiet. Daddy pursed his lips and glanced over at Bucky. His eyes were really really sad. Bucky didn’t think he’d ever seen Daddy look so sad. It made him want to cry.

“Every body I loved was gone,” Daddy said quietly. “All at once. I - I didn’t really want to be where I was, y’know, certainly didn’t want to draw it. And drawing things from the past - well that was never enough. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was and drawing couldn’t change that.”

Bucky snuggled closer and hugged his Daddy. Daddy’s hugs always made him feel better, made him feel like he was happy exactly where he was. Daddy made a little noise and rubbed Bucky’s back. Bucky turned so his cheek and ear lay on Daddy’s chest, so he could look at Annie. Her face was serious now.

“Did you want to die?”

Bucky’s belly seized up and ice raced up his feet and he shivered and looked up at his Daddy. Daddy couldn’t go nowhere, he couldn’t wanna die. Bucky needed him and he never wanted Daddy to feel so bad he wanted to die. Daddy’s face was serious, too, and sad. He looked carefully down at Bucky and stroked his fingers through Bucky’s hair. Bucky squeezed him tighter, trying to keep Daddy from ever leavin’ ever.

“I don’t know,” Daddy said. “Not actively. It was more that - I just didn’t have a reason to come back from missions at first.”

“At first?” Annie asked. Her eyes were big and warm and brown and they were looking right at Daddy. She wouldn’t let Bucky lose Daddy, Bucky thought. She wanted to keep him here with Bucky.

Daddy lightened, even smiled. The soft smile that he sometimes gave Bucky and Clint right before bedtime or early in the morning, when he thought they weren’t looking. “I started helping Clint out and that made me feel useful again. And - important to someone and like there was someone who was important to me, y’know?” Annie nodded. Daddy stroked a big hand down Bucky’s back and Bucky relaxed a little more into his side. “And especially when we started to ageplay - it wasn’t a question anymore. I had to come back from missions and I had to take care of myself because there was someone relying on me. It got better after that. Not just because of Clint but - well it got easier to build something new.”

“I’m glad to hear that Steve, I really am. It’s good to know what an important role the ageplay has played in your own recovery.” It was Bucky, realized, it was really good to hear that, because it meant that being Bucky’s Daddy wasn’t just something Steve did for Bucky. He did it for him too, and that was good. “Bucky, what do you think about everything your Daddy just said?”

Bucky froze up, surprised to be asked a question, but Daddy kept petting his back and his hair and that loosened the words up some. “Um. Sad that he felt bad.” Annie nodded encouragingly and Bucky tried to find some more words. “But good because - “ Bucky chewed on his lip, tasted blood, shot Daddy a guilty look, and said some more words, “I can help. By being little I can help Daddy.”

Annie smiled, stretching her whole face into a new shape. “I think you help a lot by being little, Bucky.”

“Yes,” Daddy agreed. “You do Bucky.” Bucky looked up, feeling kinda shy, and met Daddy’s eyes. They were blue and sparkly and made Bucky feel really safe. “Just having you here and knowing that you want me here with you - that’s really important.”

Bucky smiled, blushing a little. Bucky couldn’t remember feeling very important, not ever. But if Daddy said it then it must be true.

“And what about you Bucky, does being little help you?” Annie looked at him with her big warm eyes and her face-stretching smile and Bucky nodded, really quick and hard, which made him feel a little dizzy. Daddy and Annie both laughed a little, but it didn’t feel like they were laughing at him.

“Why does it help you?” Annie asked. Bucky shrugged and shied back. He didn’t have those words. That was too much. He bit his lip again and kinda wished he had his paci. Annie probably wouldn’t laugh at him. His fingers twitched a little, kinda like they wanted to scratch so Bucky took them away from Daddy and stuffed them in his mouth instead. He shook his head, feeling sad and frustrated cause Daddy could talk and Bucky should be able to and couldn’t make the words come.

“It’s alright, baby,” Daddy said softly. Annie watched them as Daddy turned him to look right in his face. “That’s a really hard question. It might take a while to get all your words together, but there’s no rush. Why don’t you think about it and you can try again next time Annie comes. Does that sound like a good plan?” Bucky nodded, feeling tears start sliding down his face. He sucked on his fingers a little and Daddy asked, “Do you want your paci, bud?”

Bucky shot a little glance over at Annie but her face was calm and still. He nodded again and Daddy pulled out Bucky’s pacifier. This one was green and pink and was Bucky’s secret favorite. It was a lot better than his lips or his fingers. He put his head back down on Daddy’s chest and pulled the blanket up by his chin, hiding. Daddy kept him wrapped close.

“Bucky I want you to know that it’s always okay to not answer a question,” Annie said, looking at him. Bucky ducked his gaze to the soft blanket. It had Nemo and Dory and Marlin on it. “It doesn’t matter what the reason is - if it’s because the words are too hard, or the question is scary or even if just plain don’t wanna, that’s all okay, alright? I’m not gonna make you do anything when I come over.” Bucky gave a tiny little nod and sucked a little harder on his paci. He yawned a little.

For a little bit he listened to Annie and Daddy’s voices, but didn’t really follow what they were saying. It was hard, sometimes, to keep his brain focused on things. And there was a new feeling burning in his belly and be didn’t really know what it was. It felt kinda like anger but also like Daddy’s best hugs and Clint’s blanket when Clint rubbed it on Bucky’s hand when he had really bad days. It was a fierce but quiet feeling. He didn’t know the words for it and that made him antsy. Bucky didn’t like when his body or brain did strange new things. It was scary.

“Bucky?” Bucky looked up. Daddy was staring down at him with worried eyes. “Are you okay baby?”

Bucky shrugged. He thought about it for a minute. Thought about not being able to say anything before. But Daddy wanted him to talk. So he shook his head no.

Daddy’s face got even more worried, which Bucky hated.

“I - there’s a feeling in my belly. Like being angry but not bad.” Bucky blushed a little as he mumbled around his pacifier. Daddy frowned a little, but Annie made a thoughtful noise.

“What thoughts make that feeling stronger?” Annie asked. Bucky sucked his pacifier a little harder and closed his eyes so he could think a little better. What thoughts had started the feeling? It was- maybe when Daddy said that - that - he sorta wanted to die. Bucky shuddered a little and the feeling got stronger. He thought about Daddy looking so sad and the feeling stretched all the way from his bellybutton to his ribs. He opened his eyes.

“Thinkin’ bout Daddy being sad.”

Annie nodded. “Are you angry at your Daddy?”

Bucky shook his head really fast, he couldn’t be angry with Daddy. Just the thought of being angry at his Daddy had his fingers twitching and he reached them to his chest to scratch when Daddy caught his hand and held it tight. Bucky looked up, trembling, feeling really, really scared. His belly clenched up and he thought maybe he had to pee.

Daddy looked at him with careful, soft eyes. “Bucky, you’re allowed to be angry at me.”

Bucky shook his head and whined in the back of his throat and closed his eyes tight. He wasn’t. He couldn’t. Sometimes if he got angry enough he hurt his Daddy. He bit and scratched and grabbed and that was _bad bad bad._ Daddy was so good and Bucky had to be good too, he couldn’t be angry at Daddy. Angry was a _bad_ feeling and he needed it go away so he could be good.

“Bucky, all feelings are okay,” Annie said. Her voice was quiet and Bucky could feel how still she was holding her body.

“No!” He whined. “Angry is _bad,_ ” Bucky told them. Daddy made a hurt little noise in his throat and Bucky opened his eyes to look at him. Daddy looked sad again and Bucky wanted to cry.

“No feelings are bad,” Daddy said. “You’re allowed to be angry. I get angry sometimes.”

Bucky shook his head. It wasn’t the same, because Daddy was good. He didn’t mess up and hurt people like Bucky did.

“Everyone gets angry, Bucky,” Annie said. “And sometimes those feelings are really really strong and we do things we regret. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel those things. All feelings are good - they teach us something.”

Bucky just kept shaking his head, staring at his lap, watching Nemo and Dory swing back and forth until they were just a blur. Bucky definitely had to pee now, but his thoughts were all confused and he couldn’t ask, he didn’t know how, all the words were running far away and hiding in the corners of his brain like Bucky used to do, when the Soldier lived there.

“We don’t want to not have feelings, but sometimes we have to learn better ways of acting when we have really strong feelings. There are lots of good things to do when we’re angry, okay? We can make a list of things you can do when you’re angry that are _good_.”

Bucky just sort of shrugged and hugged his knees to his chest. He looked up at Daddy, who was looking at him all strong and safe and sad. Then he looked over at Annie, who giving him a very serious look. Bucky wiggled a little and looked down at his lap. Looking at them felt really scary, right then. And he was trying to get words to tell Daddy he had to pee but they wouldn’t go from his brain to his mouth and it was making him feel angry - at himself, this time, and he sorta wanted to scratch himself, cause he was bad and couldn’t do nothin’ but Daddy was still holding his hand.

“We’ll keep talking about this, Bucky. Together we can find better ways to handle your really strong feelings. How does that sound?”

Bucky just shrugged. He _really_ had to go now and it was hard to concentrate on anything else. He could sorta hear Annie asking another question but he didn’t really understand it. He could just get up, he decided. He was at home, Daddy said he could go anywhere he wanted at home, whenever he wanted. But Bucky’s toes felt really far away and it took a long time to wiggle them out from under the blanket.

And Daddy was still holding his wrist.

Daddy was talking to him then so Bucky tried really hard to listen.

“ - baby? Where are you going?”

Bucky’s pull up got a little wet and he rushed to get up cause he didn’t wanna have an accident, he really, really didn’t. But he tripped over his blanket and started to fall toward the table and Daddy caught him and Bucky cried and felt his pull up get all warm and wet and he cried even more, because he’d been trying. He should have been able to go pee like a grown up.

“Shh, roo. It’s okay. Daddy’s got you.” Daddy lifted him right up and Bucky hid his face in Daddy’s big shoulder. Daddy must have figured it out, because he said to Annie, “I’m sorry Annie, we’ll just be a minute.”

Annie said something but Bucky didn’t really hear and Bucky couldn’t stop crying. He was embarrassed and  sad and  tired and he was still kinda mad and he didn’t know what that feeling in his belly was cause he couldn’t even finish a conversation. And his pull up was wet and icky and he felt gross.

Daddy closed the bedroom door and Bucky’s words loosened enough to say, “M’ _sorry_ I words - I hadta but I couldn’t -”

“Shh, baby. You’re alright. Did you have to go potty but you couldn’t tell me?” Bucky nodded, letting his whole body relax against Daddy. Daddy always knew exactly what he was trying to say. But only when Bucky could say some words, cause Daddy wasn’t a mind reader. Bucky wilted a little. It was so hard. “We should figure out a way for you to let me know when words are hard,” Daddy said thoughtfully. He lay Bucky down on the bed. “I’ll see if I can think up a way.”

Bucky relaxed and nodded, even though Daddy couldn’t see him cause he was getting stuff to change Bucky. Daddy was smart. He’d figure it out. Bucky yawned and almost lost his pacifier. When his eyes blinked open again, Daddy was smiling at him.

“Sleepy, bud?”

Bucky nodded. He lifted his hips without Daddy even having to ask. Daddy quick took away Bucky’s wet pull up and cleaned away all the icky pee. The new, dry pull up made Bucky feel like there had never even been an accident.

“We need to finish up with Annie and then you can take a nap, okay?” Bucky nodded and lifted his arm to be carried. Daddy smiled and scooped him up. All the relaxation went away when Daddy opened the door. It wasn’t even that Bucky was scared of Annie (though all people were pretty scary cause you never knew which ones were gonna hurt you), it was just hard with people who weren’t Daddy. Even Clint was hard sometimes.

Cause people could be good but they could also be really really bad. The could hug you but they could also strip all your skin off and leave it in a pile. Bucky didn’t know why some people were good and some people were bad. Bucky couldn’t know if someone was gonna be Hydra or if they were good by looking at them and that meant that all people could be bad. Until Bucky knew a person was safe, he was afraid. He couldn’t stop being afraid, even if Daddy and Clint told him the person was good.

There were three safe people: Daddy, Clint, and Thor.

Everyone else was maybe-bad and scary.

So Bucky’s skin was a little antsy when Daddy carried him out, cause maybe Annie would decide Bucky was bad and needed to be hurt because he’d had an accident? (There was a guard who poured boiling water on Bucky when he had accidents.) Bucky clung a little tighter to Daddy, fear like ice in his belly. Daddy sat down on the couch, but he didn’t make Bucky get out of his arms. Bucky kept his face pressed up against Daddy. If he couldn’t see Annie he could pretend it was just him and Daddy, which was safer.

“Is everything alright?” Annie asked and Bucky whined a little. He was tired. He didn’t wanna do this anymore. He just wanted to cuddle with Daddy and read a story and take a nap. His brain felt all fuzzy and exhausted.

“Bucky,” Daddy coaxed. “Can you come out and finish our conversation?”

Bucky didn’t wanna. But he turned his head just a little, so he was facing out. Daddy rubbed his back and Bucky yawned.

“I think we’ve tuckered him out,” Daddy said to Annie, voice soft.

Annie smiled. “That’s understandable. We talked about some really hard things today. I’d like to try to nail down that feeling you were having, Bucky, and then we can finish up. Does that sound okay?”

Bucky didn’t wanna but he nodded anyway, cause it was better to do what people wanted so they didn’t have any reason to hurt you. At least Daddy was holding him. Everything was okay when Daddy was holding him.

“You said it felt angry but not bad, and that you felt it when you thought about your Daddy was sad. Did you feel mad because your Daddy was mad?” Bucky cocked his head and thought about it. That was sort of it, but Bucky didn’t feel mad at himself, so it wasn’t really angry. It was something different.

“Who did you feel mad at? Not your Daddy, but…” she trailed off leadingly. Bucky suckled at his pacifier and and closed his eyes to focus.

“I -” He said slowly, “At the people who let him be sad. Daddy should never be sad. Not like that.” The words took a long time to come out. When they all came together Daddy made a little noise and squeezed Bucky tight. Annie smiled.

“Were you maybe feeling a bit protective?” Bucky looked up in surprise and nodded because that was the feeling. He wanted to protect Daddy. (He knew he couldn’t, but he wanted to, he wanted to be strong enough and brave enough and good enough to help Daddy the way Daddy helped him.)

Bucky whimpered and turned into Daddy. The thoughts and feelings were big and they were starting to make his brain ache and his body feel fuzzy and he didn’t think he could talk about it anymore.

“Bucky, that was really awesome, baby. You did really good.” Daddy praised softly, rubbing his big hand down Bucky’s back. Bucky pushed closer, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

“Your Daddy is right,” Annie said and Bucky peeked out to look at her. She was smiling, all big and soft. “You did really good work today and I’m very impressed. Make sure your Daddy gives you a star, okay?” Bucky blushed, because Daddy must have told her that he got stars before she even came over and that meant they were talking about him and Bucky didn’t like to think that Daddy was using his time like that instead of doing all the things he couldn’t do when he was with Bucky.

Daddy smiled, though, and said. “I’ll make sure he gets one. I think we’re going to havta finish up now, though. He’s getting pretty sleepy.” Bucky was sleepy. This morning had been long and he just needed to be alone with Daddy. (And his dolls, which were waiting in the bed for him.)

“We made more progress today than I expected, and I’d be happy to finish up now.” Annie turned her dark brown eyes on Bucky. He squirmed. He didn’t want to be looked at right then, it was too much. “Bucky, before next week I’d like you to think about the question about why being little helps you and remember that being angry isn’t bad. Do you think you can do that for me?”

Bucky sucked his pacifier a little harder. He didn’t really feel like he could do anything right then. He shrugged and Daddy squeezed him tight.

“We’ll work on it,” Daddy assured. “He’s a little overwhelmed right now.”

“Of course. Alright, I’ll see myself out. I’ll call to schedule the next appointment?”

“That would be great, thanks,” Daddy said. Bucky didn’t relax until he heard the door close behind Annie. Then he let his body go slack against Daddy. Daddy scooped Bucky up, saying, “Time for a nap, baby.”

Daddy didn’t go straight to the bedroom, though. He took them to the kitchen first and got Bucky some of his special milk which had lotsa vitamins in it and then they went to the bedroom. Bucky drank his milk and snuggled his dolls (he gave an extra kiss to the Clint doll cause Bucky missed Clint when he wasn’t there) and Daddy read Corduroy.

Bucky didn’t remember falling asleep.

*

Bucky stayed quiet the rest of the day, feeling like his words were all used up. Daddy didn’t make him talk, though, because Daddy never made him talk unless it was really, really important. So it was okay that Bucky’s voice wasn’t working. He took a long nap and Daddy made hungry caterpillar ratatouille and then Daddy let him watch the movie Ratatouille, cause he said Bucky’d been really good that morning.

That made Bucky’s insides feel warm and happy. He loved being good for Daddy. Daddy sat next to him on the couch with his computer and Bucky snuggled his toes under Daddy’s thigh, curled up tight in his Nemo blanket. He liked Remy and his brother, but his Dad was a little scary, and Bucky maybe hid his eyes when they got washed down the pipe (he couldn’t get washed down a pipe, could he?), but it was a really good story. And it had Paris in it, like Daddy and Annie had been talking about.

Bucky thought he could remember being in Paris but he didn’t wanna think about it too hard, because it seemed like one of those memories where he was on the inside looking out and that meant it was a soldier memory and those memories were scary.

But it was okay because Daddy was right there and Bucky’s body was right there on the couch next to Daddy and he could feel all his fingers and toes, so it was _okay_. Bucky sucked on his pacifier to help remind him where he was and focused on the movie again. Before he knew it the movie was over and Daddy was turning it off and putting his laptop away. Bucky curled up into Daddy’s side and Daddy smiled at him and scooped him up into his lap.  

“Hi Daddy,” Bucky said around his pacifier.  

“Hi baby. Good movie?” Steve said, pushing Bucky’s hair (which was getting a bit shaggy) off his face.

“Uhuh.”

“I’m glad.” Steve said, big smile on his face. “I was doing a little reading and I think I found a way for you to let me know when you need something but words are too hard. Is it okay to talk about that now?”

Bucky sat up, nodding quickly. If he could talk to Daddy all the time, things would be a lot easier. Especially when there were other people visiting, cause it was harder to talk when there were other people around and if there was a way to tell Daddy without saying anything Bucky wanted to know it now.

Daddy laughed fondly at him. “Alright, I thought that we could use sign language. You won’t be able to do all the signs, so we might have to change some of them, but I looked up a couple I thought would we could use. Would you like to learn a couple right now?” Bucky nodded again, the ring on his pacifier rattling with the force of it. Daddy laughed and ruffled Bucky’s hair and Bucky grinned up at him.

“So help is usually with two hands -” Daddy said and showed him, pressing the side of a fist made with his right hand onto his left hand twice. “But I think we can just do it without the bottom hand.” Daddy lifted his fist up and down in front of his chest. Bucky copied him, watching with careful eyes. He didn’t want to forget.

“If you need to tell me you’re scared, we’ll use this sign,” Daddy again made a fist, this time with his finger facing his chest. He opened it suddenly, like a surprise, all his fingers splayed wide. Bucky did it a couple times too. Daddy smiled and nodded. “Just like that baby.” Bucky’s chest got all warm. He felt proud that he could do this, that his fingers were cooperating and he could talk to Daddy even when his words were knotted up. He wanted to always always be able to talk to Daddy.

“This is the sign for bathroom,” Daddy raised a hand, making a fist, but with his thumb tucked in between his first two fingers. Obediently, Bucky mimicked it. If he’d know that one this afternoon he wouldn’t have had an accident. He would have been able to tell Daddy and get to the potty on time. “And diaper --” Daddy used both hands to make a little pinching motion by his hips. “You can just use one hand, and I think we’ll use that one when you need changed.” Bucky blushed a little just thinking about it, but at least he wouldn’t have to sit in an icky diaper. He made the little pinching motion with his hand and Daddy smiled.

“You’re doing really good baby, just a couple more for today, okay?” Bucky nodded. It was hard to remember a lot of new things all at once, but Daddy knew that. He was only teaching the really important ones. Daddy showed him all done (holding out flat hands and flipping them upside down) and eat and drink and then said that was enough for today. Bucky tried it out right away. He looked up at Daddy and signed eat.

Daddy grinned and lifted him up.

“Let’s go get some dinner, roo.”

“Can we learn more tomorrow?” Bucky asked, pressing his cheek to Daddy’s shoulder.

“Of course. We can learn as many as you want.”

Daddy always listens, Bucky thought. It doesn’t matter how I talk or if I don’t talk or if I don’t even know. Daddy was always listening and always trying to make everything easier for him. Bucky sighed a little, feeling happy and safe.

“Love you Daddy.”

“Love you too, Bucky.”

 

_fin._

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for your comments and kudos friends! Find me on [tumblr.](https://imdefinitelyyourcat.tumblr.com/) I would love some asks or feels about this story to inspire me!


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